Difficult words to write

"The father is the friend, the teacher and the guide who leads us through life with wisdom and love"

Plato

This week was my father's birthday. He would have been 90 if he were alive. He died exactly 10 years ago. On these milestone dates, the family WhatsApp group begins to buzz with affectionate messages about his absence and how much we miss him. Old photos are recovered, along with happy moments of his time with family and friends.

For a while I stop and think about what I should write in the group to express how much I miss him. I can't find the words. Then I realize how difficult it must be to write an epitaph that isn't cliché. I look for a verb, an idea that evokes an idea. A kind of speech in a few words. I don't want soothing phrases that give way to a reflective silence that tends towards emptiness and conveys a sense of finitude.

A father who has been loved for many decades should not be given a vision of an end.

I know that death isn't necessarily the end. There are days when the absent one appears with unusual stubbornness, repeats old jokes, laughs with excitement and casts a furtive, affectionate glance. There are moments when it seems possible to say something that he will hear and respond to. I often find myself reminiscing with other family members and friends about how he would behave today, especially when watching Flamengo in 2019, or about memorable passages that we always like to hear, even if repetitively.

How, then, am I going to portray all this in a sentence, an emoji, a gif, a WhatsApp sticker?

My father gave me life and the lesson that you have to look for it in others until you become someone else. Now he lives in others, because it is others who guarantee his existence, with their memory and their unheard-of affection. His friendships were so remarkable that it was as if the world really liked him. That's a nice epitaph.

A father is always more than the gaze of a child. He is a man with his vast experience and unconditional love, who for a long time is our reference point in life. Afterwards, his memory cleanses our soul and purifies our blood. I feel that this is what brings me peace: finding loving foundations for my memories, forgetting for a moment today's dark and sordid world.

I couldn't find any words to reply to the group of messages, but I take comfort in the memory that he was always the family's safe haven. The person to whom everyone turned with their problems and who, without any self-interest, did not shy away from dedicating himself body and soul to solving or comforting others. 

My life has been marked by setbacks that have shaped me into a reserved person. He helped me through some very difficult times, such as the early loss of my best friend and the death of my newborn son. Unfortunately, he couldn't be there for other painful moments. This absence was very painful for me, but it was compensated for by my friends - few, it's true - and by the strength and unity of my family.

If I could say something to him now, I would say this: Without you, Dad, it would have been harder. Thank you.